As told in Randy Urtam's Down Below Taproom and transcribed by Scholar Menek of the Adept Records branch of the Great Library.
Right. So on account of I may be amazing but I ain't perfect, I am right committed to constant self-improvement. You didn't know that about me, didja, you right wanker. I'm fucking deep, I am, full of bloody introspection and whatnot. But I figure if I need to train then it's best to train with the best, and we all know that's Montazh. Yeah, you heard me right. No he's not a bloody myth. Same as yer mum's orgasms. Just because you ain't seen 'em don't mean I ain't. Yeh I said it! Come at me, you twat. Yer mum sure did! HAH!
Where was I? Needing another beer to water the garden of my dulcet words. Ahh, that hits the spot. Right. We make the connections, we get a job. Can't just train with the man himself. We have to earn the opportunity. Fine with me. There's some T'skrang what got themselves kidnapped so off we go to the rescue. With me are Keel, who is a right proper Sky Raider and whom I've seen in the usual haunts, me old friend Kayapo the Spirit Talker, me new friend Redroum the Sight Blinder, and me brand new friend Rendar the Sweaty Thunder. It's a badass crew, tough as nails the lot of 'em, and likely to bash yer teeth in just for looking at them sideways. Yeah, Squinty Dox, I know sideways is the only way you can look at anything. I suppose we'll give you a pass.
We find some piss poor bandits in the Servos Jungle what have taken these poor T'skrang captive. So we bounce 'em out in quick order. I try to take one of 'em under me wing on account of teaching the way of jumping out of airships and robbing people blind is how one gives back to the community. Turns out he failed the course, though, on account of being eaten by a werewolf. Tough way to bollocks the interview process.
Right, so the werewolf. Turns out there's this shadow fucking monster what's been scaring the piss out of these bandits for a few nights. I mean that quite literally. One of 'em tried to take a piss and all that came out was dust. No I'm not having a laugh. Say that to my face. SAY IT. I'll punch yer nose clear round to the back of your head so you'll be smelling your own arse all day.
This thing, see, this Horror thing, it was a werewolf. Twelve feet tall if it was an inch with fur like bleeding shadows, and I don't mean that like 'fucking shadows' but I mean shadows that were bleeding. Drip drip drip all over the ground. Sizzling, hot shadow blood coming off this nightmare werewolf thing. It's eyes were balefire, which is like regular fire but ten times more baleful. The kind of fire that wants your bones for fuel. This twelve foot tall balefire bloody shadow werewolf, well, it could fly, too. No lie.
After we got back, I looked it up, and it's one of the ten most dangerous Horrors what have ever been encountered in Barsaive. (Editor's Note: It is no such thing. As best as I can tell, Mr. von Smeshfays and his allies encountered an Umbral Stalker, and not a flying twelve foot tall balefire werewolf. -- Menek).
It was a pitched battle, a fighting retreat through the grasping undergrowth of the Servos. Yeah, we were retreating you tosh. The point was to rescue the ambassadors. Don't do no good if we kill the thing but lose the T'skrang too, does it. It's all right, I'll help you understand. Here's me teaching aids (Editor's Note: At this point, Mr. Smeshfays held up his fists, indicating his left as 'Lesson' and his right as 'Plan' and proceeded to punch the questioning bar patron. -- Menek).
The werewolf kept jumping at us from the shadows and magical wibbly wobbly space and we kept trying to figure where the rotter was going to come out. It was a hunt, ladies and gents, no two ways about it. I was burning and bleeding, which for me is nearly the same thing. I got the scars to show, too. 'Ere, take a look. That's right, nasty business ain't it. There's another on my - fine, fine, I'll keep me pants on. Your loss.
Finally, Redroum lit the fucking balefire shadow flying werewolf on fire, at which point it ran away and, I figure, burned to death. And that is the story of how me mates and I defeated the Balefire Werewolf. Now who's gonna buy me another beer! Ahh, that's right. All of you!Statistics:Posted by bronzemountain — Sun May 02, 2021 3:23 pm
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