As transcribed by Nehata Dunlop, junior scribe on current Youghdel von Smeshfays rotation.
Right. So as you can tell by me grace and speed, I've been working out. And not just with any old trainer but his nibs Montazh himself. Yes I do know him you old tosser. Whassat? Don't what? Say it to me face, geezer, and let's see what part of it I leave facing forward. Yeah, I didn't think so. So, Montazh, he tells me himself how he's in dire need of some tree skin, and he's right desperate for my help. He's got some garden smoothie drink what needs this swamp birch bits and could we please arrange for him to get some on the regular.
Now this fancy tree what he needs is found in the Servos Jungle, which is a dread and dark place where lesser folk are known to shit themselves and die out of right fear of being eaten by some kind of murder cat. Other folk are just straight up eaten by the murder cats, having survived the preliminary bout of bowel-melting terror.
On account of me being both fearless and the strongest of all Windlings, I am not rightly concerned about murder cats or death snakes or whatever other beasties might call that fine jungle home, but I figured it was best to enlist the aids of some right proper villains. So I called upon me new crew mate, who is Ms. Haul to you blighters and Keel to her friends. I called upon me Elementalist friends, Orlam and Orphen, one to keep me properly fluffed and the other to light me sword on fire. You. Yeah you in the back. Why're you snickering? Did I say something funny, you cheeky git. Here, let me help you with that fucking smile of yours.
Brawl ensues. Transcript picks up afterwards.
Ahem. Where was I? Oh right, I also bring me spiritual advisor, Kayapo, on account of he's from the Servos Jungle and also it's never a bad thing to have a spiritual advisor. I am known far and wide as a spiritual man, meself.
On account of this being a mercantile transaction, we first set out to acquire the services of the Daicar brothers. After a bit of an altercation with their receptionist, we work out a nice bit of business with one of the brothers and like yer mum's knickers, off we go.
After a bit of mucking through the jungle, we find a little village on the banks of the Servos River. Turns out, there's some enterprising, if thick-headed, sort of Dwarves setting up a little hamlet for themselves. Right friendly of them to set up a raidable little gem right there in the Servos for Raiders what get lost in the jungle and are sad that there's nothing to properly raid. The town's called Greenview, which makes sense I suppose, since the view is primarily green. A bit on the nose if you ask me. But fair enough. Honestly, I was there in the jungle long enough that me fingernails and wings started to go green, too.
Me spiritual advisor, Kayapo, tries to convince these folk to do our work in a sustainawibble kind of way, which is to say please don't cut down all the fuckin' trees so as to preserve the gainful employment of your grandkids. This makes sense to me, as Raiding is much the same way. You don't go in and take everything a town has and leave them to starve. If you do that, then there's no town to raid next year. You take a few prize things, just enough, and then you let the grubbers and growers go about their grubbing and growing so as you have a nice tidy haul the next year and every year after that. Sustainawhatsits Raiding is the way of the future.
The Dwarves, though, they're keen on doing the least amount of work for the most amount of coin, which is I suppose a pretty universal sort of stupidity. I've been guilty of it meself from time to time. That's why I always visit yer mum. No work needed.
As we're having a bit of a chat about all of this, halfway between Greenview and the swamp, we are ambushed by some fucking metal birds. I don't mean the birds are made of metal, which would be pretty fucking brilliant. But that they have a metaphorically metal way of approaching the world. And that way is to charge at you full fucking tilt and hack at you with their beaks which are like axes and also belch some bright orange gas in your face. Fucking metal.
We respond in kind. I'm well fluffed by Orlam, but Orphen hasn't had a chance to do her magic on me sword. But it doesn't much matter as I've got me shield, and I'm the strongest Windling there is. So I proceed to do some headbanging, which involves bashing my shield into their heads until their heads explode. Bloody good fun. We're all hurt but nothing a day's drinking won't heal
There's two other spots what might have these special Swamp Birch trees, so we decide to check them out and come back if we need to. On the way to the second, there's some fucking giant cats with fucking wings and fucking Dwarf faces which is about the creepiest fucking thing I ever saw and I am a Windling of great fucking discretion. So I say hell no to that nonsense and hang out in the high canopy while me mates figure out some brain-twisting puzzle what these nightmare creatures have set before them. Apparently me mates have right strong brains and they figure it out and the fucking Dwarf-face-cats wander off. Good riddance.
On to the third spot where we find some Humans what seem well adjusted to their jungle home. Kayapo tells me they're called Cathans. Don't seem worth raiding much. Nice enough folk. Their ol' grandma speaks Throalic. Like the Dwarves of Greenview, they are also enterprising. Unlike the Dwarves of Greenview, they are not dim.
We struck a bargain, back to the river, back to the Daicar brothers, and delivered to Montazh his first couple hundred pounds of skinned trees. That's not right. Of tree skin. Yeah, that.
Now I'm thirsty again and who's gonna buy uncle Youghdel another pint. Ole ole ole oleeeeeeee.Statistics:Posted by bronzemountain — Sun Jun 20, 2021 2:31 pm
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