Something is Terribly Wrong with the Wyrm Wood
Or, That Ain't Right
By Upandal's bronze balls, what has happened to the Wyrm Wood? Jael asked some friends and myself (ed. Karl Tomsson, Xeviouz, Zil) to accompany him to the Wyrm Wood so he could complete the Deed for his armor. It seemed a simple enough outing - go to a forest, water a tree.
But something is terribly wrong with that forest. As we approached the edge of the Wyrm Wood, crossing the north reach of the Serpent, we found a deep band of deliberately burned foliage, nearly a mile deep and stretching along the edge of the wood. Good solid tactical thinking. Whoever had done it, and I have to assume it was elves, had given themselves a clear defensive perimeter. They even marked out distances with painted piles of stones. Good thinking.
But the wood itself, well, that was another matter. Zil and Jael felt it immediately, and even I had a sense that something here was wrong. Zil described an oppressive, defensive presence as if the entire forest had been woven into one massive True Pattern. And that Pattern did not want any of us there. Well, any of us but Jael.
Of course, the day I let a damn forest tell me where I'm supposed to be is the day I hang up my hammer. Forests do what we say or they become furniture. In fact, they probably become furniture whether they obey or not, so fine, forests. Do what you want. I've got an axe and I know carpentry.
We followed the Mothingale north towards a stream that would lead us to this magical glade. As we drew closer, we found piles upon piles of bodies stacked up against the forest boundary. Some were animals, many were namegivers. And hanging from the great trees that bounded the forest, dead elves hung up like warnings. Some worn down to skeletons, some still fresh and oozing. Absolute Passions-damned nonsense. I have no patience for it.
I would have thought Horrors, but Zil insisted that it wasn't that. So, just absolutely crazy elves. Or whoever killed the elves and took over their forest.
Miles and miles of nonsense.
As we followed the stream, we were set upon by some sort of absurdly designed boars. A dozen tusks where two would do. Spines and spikes poking through their skin, leaving them constantly bleeding and furious with pain. Just shoddy craftsmanship all around. Jaspree should be ashamed. They were dangerous beasts, sure enough. Charging about and swift as lightning. Their terrible porcine screams still haunt me.
As if spiky over-tusked zephyr-fast bleeding screaming pigs weren't enough, we were also ambushed by a witherfang and some sort of ridiculously spiny toad. What need does a damn frog have for spines? And why the hell is it the size of an ork? I need to speak to someone's manager.
Well, none of it really mattered in the end. Sure, Karl end up wrapped up in 20 yards of sticky toad tongue, and we got knocked around a bit (not me), but we dispatched all the animals quickly enough.
We made a bit more progress and made camp, with Zil coaxing the trees into forming camouflaged hammocks for us. Lovely, really. In the morning, Zil took the opportunity to conduct a Fire Heal ritual for himself. Which, I suppose, upset the local wolves. Which, of course, because this entire forest was shat out by some Mad Passion on a top shelf drug bender, were pierced with thorns and shot lightning out of their damn eyes.
Do these people just not understand what a wolf is supposed to be? It's as if Jaspree let her emotionally troubled teenaged nephew have a turn at creating animals.
These sentinels, too, were insufficient. We took them down with relative ease, and moved on.
Finally, we found the spot that Jael needed and I'll admit, it was quite beautiful. Crystalline waters, beautiful foliage, flowers. Exactly what one would expect to see in an elven glen.
And of course the Passions damned plants started to move and explosively grew thorns and tried to attack us. Because of course they did. And of course there were Unicorns. Who thirsted for Namegiver blood and hungered for Namegiver flesh. This fever dream of a forest can't get anything right. Plants stay still, look pretty, and if they are very very good indeed, become beer. They do not run around trying to wrap you up in a thorny embrace.
So, we punished the plants. And the unicorns. And Jael was able to water the tree, which was sitting in the middle of a damn stream in the first place so I'm not sure why that was needed and also to hell with that forest.
Next time, I'm bringing lumberjacks.Statistics:Posted by bronzemountain — Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:44 am
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